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The next time we met for dinner, I kissed him, and I felt him kiss me back. From there on things moved quickly. We spent dinners together, days and nights in bed making love. We went away to a weekend in the forest, and there made love for the first time. Back in the city, we would meet up often, spend afternoons in bed, and go for dinner or drinks after. We’d spend so much time chatting about everything - work, life, family, childhood, dreams, hopes. I grew to know him more and more as a person. In all that time I asked him again and again - was this just an affair? What prompted him to get into this relationship? He said it wasn’t an affair. I believed him. He said it’s been a really long time he’s felt this way about another person. He seemed sincere. He said a voice inside told him to lean into it and the voice has usually been right. I trusted him. He didn’t imply or hint; he was explicit. He said he was sincere and ready to date someone to see whether it would turn into something longer term.
Was he lying all this time? I don’t know. If he was, maybe he was lying to himself as much as he was to me. Or maybe that’s the lie I have to tell myself to save myself from the ugly truth and the hurt. Who knows these things really. Things happen, emotions surface, and days months or years later we recollect those emotions in a period of quiet introspection and see past actions in a different light. And for some lucky ones among us, we just never confront our past.
In any case, the physical affair lasted three months. In my mind it wasn’t an affair. I had indicated as much to him - I was not interested in an affair or a temporary relief. I was deeply unhappy and had been for a very long time. I was ready for a relationship with a quality man who knew what he wanted and was in the same frame of mind to meet someone special and to explore it and see where it would go. He told me many times that he wanted the same for himself.
Little by little, through words, deeds and small insignificant gestures I let myself fall deeper in love. Because I was still married, and had indicated my intent to leave my marriage but had not yet made the news public to friends and family, B and I carried on in secret. No one knew but us. When I confessed how I was falling deeper for him, he admitted the same to me.
I called him my boyfriend and he called me his baby. He made a half-joke, lying in bed once, the soft afternoon sun on his skin, he said he has his three B’s and it brings him happiness: his business, his body (fitness), and his baby (me). We held hands, we kissed deep, I slept on his chest with the sound of his heartbeat filling my head more than once. When he looked into my eyes I felt the smile reach his eyes. When he saw me at my work events, he cheered me on. We made each other happy.
There was a happiness in my life during those days. I loved him. I was his girl, and I felt we went well together. When two people start to date and things go well, unless there is some deep incompatibility which one discovers soon enough, the relationship usually just deepens and eventually leads to the person meeting the other’s friends, family and finally some longer term commitment. Dating is just a way to explore compatibility with another person - not a mechanism to discover how relationship ready or commitment phobic one is. That sort of self awareness and reflection usually happens before either party indicates to the other that they’re ready to explore a relationship. When B said he was ready, I trusted him and gave myself over fully. We were compatible, we understood each other, I had the qualities that he valued, and him the qualities I valued. I was a rare woman - smart, extremely successful, driven, good looking, creative, talented, fit, extroverted. I had - and have - a magnetic energy that draws people into my world. But for all my public persona and open extroverted gregarious self, the parts of me that’s vulnerable I only share with the deepest of friends and the most intimate of relationships.
When I was his girl, I gave myself to him. I loved him, trusted him, and my walls ebbed away. I believed the way to true love is thru acceptance and embracing the other person. I submitted to him willingly and took him into my heart, that I would love him, support him and stand by him... and from the way things were going and how well it was going I felt he felt the same way too.
He went on a trip. Something happened. When he returned he wanted a break. Things were getting too real for him. He was uncomfortable with the depth of my emotion. The break turned into a breakup. It had been nine months since that night when we first kissed and confided that we felt attracted to each other.
I was heartbroken. I never thought we would break up. It was naive and stupid, and the biggest cliche in the textbook, but I thought this was real. The emotion, the depth of my affection for him, his reciprocation in action and in words... it meant something to me. He seemed sincere. What happened.
The breakup was devastating. Everytime the hurt was too much I would try to distance from him. He’d react with badly suppressed anger and annoyance. When I told him I needed some distance from him for my own emotional healing, he got upset and angry. He said it was a bad idea. His disapproval rankled. I was in love with the man, and I tried to distance, but there was so many places I couldn’t avoid meeting him and his coldness cut deep. Each time I relented to his insistence that we ‘remained friends’ after the breakup and I not distance myself.
It’s been now three years since that day we kissed and we confessed we felt attracted to each other. He is still in my life. In the days since the break up, I lost my dignity, my self esteem. I was foolish. He kept saying that we should stay friends. He would silently rage if I confessed to my being unable to stay friends while I was still emotionally attached to him. He grew impatient and behaved badly toward me for holding on to my emotions for him and acting like that girlfriend who just wouldn’t let go - I wanted more than anyone to be over him, but the depth of my attachment wasn’t in my control. I see now how much I badly needed to grieve for the love that I had lost and the relationship that ended. But he didn’t want to hear it. He disapproved of my cutting off and so each time I tried half heartedly but always broke my resolve because I missed him, and was still in love with him. I stupidly held on thinking there must be some reason he wants me around. Maybe if I changed this about myself... maybe that... he did treat me with tenderness once, perhaps it nestled within still. He just needed to be sure... and he would come back to me. I just needed to be better. I meditated, I went to therapists, I beat myself up for not being able to move on - but I never cut off from him. I never really gave myself a chance.
Out of weakness, I held on for years. When we initially broke up, he said it was because tho he felt genuine affection and blossoming love for me when we dated, to be sure, he wanted me to first leave my husband before he can decide whether he wants to be with me. FurtherMore, he didn’t want to feel (tho he knew he was) a catalyst in breaking up a marriage. Writing the words, I laugh at how ludicrous it is. I guess love really is blind.
I broke it off with my husband. My son was by then a year and a half. A delightful little boy coming into his own and the light of my life. I wanted nothing more than a happy home, filled with love and laughter and positivity, for him to grow up in. Instead I was destroying the home and breaking apart my marriage. I did it because I thought that there really wasn’t any more love left in my current marriage - but there was in this relationship with B. How could I give B room to grow as long as I’m still a married woman and this was nothing more than a secret affair. So I called off the marriage, put my house into turmoil, told friends and family, discussed custody and living arrangements and went though with all the soul-draining activities of a divorce.
All through this, I was emotionally invested in B. I baked for him. I spent time with him - dinners and movies and hours on the phone. All my happy moments and little celebrations I shared with him. He was always on my mind and I loved and cared deeply for him. But he would never call me, I would call him. He would never text, I would have to reach out to him.... even for work, even when it was necessary. It seemed he was too proud to reach out to me, despite him being insistent that we did not exile each other, and we remained in contact and maintained a friendship. It seemed like my only purpose in his life in those months were to provide an ego boost to him of his desirability. When we had a tiff, I was the one who made amends, I would come over, I would reach out. He acted like this was the natural balance of our relationship. He doled out sparse praise when I ‘behaved’. Like a dog turning tricks out of fear of disapproval or the odd crumb from the table.
I wonder if he ever reflected on how his actions contributed to this entire ordeal, or if he did, did his pride not let him admit it and apologize to me for his part. I wish he could have just said ‘I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you and for leading you on. I did care deeply for you and was serious about you as my girlfriend... but in the end I realized I wasn’t ready and perhaps I miscalculated. I’m sorry for the pain that this has caused you as a result’. But he never did, and he won’t. It’s tiresome, old news. He feels no pain; he’s moved on entirely.
The relationship broke me and caused much pain and suffering. Once, a long time ago when we dated, he played with my son and his train set. We spoke of how B remembered fondly his own childhood and the wooden train set. It stirred a different emotion within me to see the man who was my boyfriend, and who willingly entered into a relationship with me, share this innocent moment with my son. In all the three years since, he’s avoided my son, while claiming he wants to stay friends. I truly believe that he believes he has behaved beyond reproach, and this is all just my problem - a silly, tiresome, overblown one by a woman who should have known better.
I was a smart, beautiful, high quality woman; my inexplicable and irrational emotional attachment was intensely frustrating even for me. It held me captive in my own prison. Chasing him in hope and remembrance of the tender moments we once shared wreaked havoc on my self esteem.
The emotion of those early days when I was his girl carried me through. I’ve always loved deep. The people in my life, I make room for them and I stand by them. I root for him. I cheer for them. I notice when they are tired, and I aim to make their lives easier. I notice when they seem weary, and I try to lighten their load. I love deep. I loved B and I had taken him into my heart, and I had never severed the true bond of attachment that formed in those early days under the promise of his sincerity and earnestness.
Over the years he started behaving toward me with disdain and dismissiveness. What was it? Maybe it was his own guilt manifesting as resentment toward me. Maybe seeing my face just annoyed him. Maybe he lost all respect for me and stopped seeing me as a woman he once considered dating, and just a pathetic potable creature now hanging on to someone who doesn’t want her and can’t shake her off however badly he treats her. Whatever it was, he resented me and would snap at me constantly. Harsh and unfair criticism. Character flaws (that didn’t exist). Catastrophizing. Gaslighting. Minimizing any instances of my genuine talent as one-off, and eager to draw patterns and generalize any negative instances — even if they were solely triggered by his increasingly disrespectful behavior — as emblematic of innate character flaws. Soon this became the norm of our relationship.
They say the harshest critics are those that are deeply self-critical. Perhaps we all have a little of that within ourselves. We attack and lash out at others as a way to externalize and act upon our own internal turbulent emotions. Perhaps this is even more true of men and/or those among us who have never practiced emotional self awareness and self regulation, and so don’t have that skill of self reflection and self compassion. How can you be kind to others if you can’t even be kind to yourself? How can you accept and love others if you keep rejecting the parts of you that you don’t want to confront? In our post-breakup friendship, I would take up the role of keeping the relationship alive (the friendship he wanted) with positivity and words of appreciations and acts of love and care, so that he may feel it too within, and we could share a true friendship and companionship... but the more I gave, the more I suspect he disrespected me. I gave myself willingly to a man who didn’t value it, and in the bargain I lost my own self respect.
He would interrupt and gaslight and attack and disrespect and dismiss and put me down in public. Despite my internal commitment to forgive and ignore, it would erupt when I couldn’t take it anymore and I would yell at him. Aha, said B, this proves what a emotional / volatile / high drama woman I was. The most he chastised me, the more emotionally drained I was trying to keep up with his insatiable demanding and criticizing nature. The torrent of criticism and attacks were like physical blows to my body. This was the man I loved and shared so deeply of myself and exposed the parts of me I was vulnerable and sensitive about.... and he would pick up my deepest fears, my darkest moments, the times that have stuck out because I’m not proud of it, and exaggerate, caricature and extrapolate it to create a false narrative of me as some hideous creature solely stitched together with the worst of my flaws (real and imagined) and none of my virtues. Where I first felt tenderness and care abs affection from him, now I saw myself thru his negative filter - a caricature of a woman made up of the worst of my mothers emotional instability and cruelty, my fathers impulsivity, heck even my race (an emotional, inferior one) - and stripped of all my virtues, and all my shining strengths.
My rope got shorter and shorter. I was more and miserable around him. I erupted more frequently. He gloated that it was my fault entirely and I was the unpredictable, volatile woman. That he was just a dispassionate, neutral, completely rational being. It’s like he forgot the times when we were dating and when I felt secure in his love and in that positive and secure frame of mind, I brought positivity and strength and support to his life. I doubt he ever reflected on how him being so negative, judgmental, dismissive and critical could hurt and bring misery and bring out the worst in another person.
Did I behave like a high quality woman in those interactions? No. A quality woman would have walked away from a man who did not recognize her worth or treat her with the respect she deserved. Did I feel like a high quality woman? No. I had forgotten myself. Was it the divorce? Maybe, but I doubt. Was it my internal guilt and shame at having thrown away a life I could have built, for a man who now only brought misery? Probably. Was it B? Yes, probably, to an extent.
No man can make you feel a certain way - you do that to your own self. I did it all to myself by staying with a man who didn’t deserve me, and it broke me, and it changed me.
Remember when I said I was smart and successful and attractive and all of those things? I graduated from the top engineering school in India and then a top MBA from the US. I worked at the top firms. All of the institutes I worked at, no amount of family money can get you in; acceptance rates are single digits. You beat out hundreds of thousands to hustle and work hard and climb up to where you get to... and then you work among a rarified crowd of very accomplished, highly inspiring, extremely driven, smart, ambition, successful - and yes- good-looking people.
In the aftermath of a move I didn’t want, a sickly child and an apathetic husband I was starved for some truly wholesome love and attention. B was like water to parched earth. Whatever the initial conditions were that caused the affair to happen, once the emotions took root, they blossomed on their own. I had embraced him in my heart.
The change was gradual, and the imbalance in our relationship evolved so slowly, but reached a point where I was a shadow of myself and the relationship was unhealthy and lopsided. I can’t pin point when exactly.... sometime, I woke and realized how unhappy B was making me. His presence in my life was soul draining. He was toxic. He was prideful and I had, with my own stupidity, habituated him into getting used to my emotional investment in him with no participation from his end. I had lulled him into a false sense of superiority in this relationship. He had stopped respecting me all together. A good woman would have never put up with this. A good woman would have known she could do better - and she could. Slowly like the frog in boiling water, I’d forgotten what a worthy and good woman I really was.
Did he see me anymore with the eyes he had for me in our first year? No. Was he even a friend, like he claimed he wanted to be? No.
He was an ex. He had become a cruel and insensitive man. An emotionally immature, prideful, criticizing bully incapable of handling his own emotions or taking responsibility for his part in trying to make work a friendship that he insisted on having after the breakup.
The change had been so gradual. And I so stupid, to minimize any transgression on his part. He would create the very conditions to cause drama and bring those closest to him to their breaking point through his disrespect and low-quality behaviors. He‘s never been in a close relationship in life though he is now almost 32. His own best friend and family called him rude, a jerk, an asshole, dismissive, disrespectful, emotionally stunted. This is all true.
But there is behaviors and there is character and those are two separate things. I loved him anyway. I loved him most of all because I believed him - and still believe him- to be deep down a good man. Sometimes good people do shitty things, and B did a lot of shitty things, and a lot of them to me. He played with my emotions, he was thoughtless and inconsiderate, and he was downright disrespectful toward by the end. But because I had seen him at his best - in the glow of aftersex, in the moments of tenderness and vulnerability, in the sweet innocence of getting to know someone - I dismissed the rest. I saw his dreams, his hopes, his brilliance, his talent. I rooted for him because he was worth rooting for. Exceptional people have exceptional flaws and he was no different than I in that regard.
I would make excuses for him - oh he’s busy, oh it’s because I did this - that he had gotten so used to disrespecting me... that toward the end I never expected him to respect me. I guess we all receive what we believe we deserve.
Was I a quality woman? Yes. Was I behaving like one? No.
But like I said, I woke one day and felt dread at having to go and see him (unfortunately we worked together). That’s when I realized just how unhappy and draining his presence in my life was. He was not my boyfriend, not my friend, not a business partner - he was nothing but a bad breakup. I needed to treat him as such, and myself with the self respect that I deserved.
Why did I behave in all those stupid ways? Not because of some psychobabble cliche about how I thought I didn’t deserve any better... that wasn’t it. It wasn’t what attracted me to him in the first place or kept me invested in him with the stupid belief that if I “loved harder” and I gave him enough space, he would come around. That’s only true of quality men who had already decided they’re ready for a relationship and who have the emotional maturity to know themselves and to articulate it to the women they meet. B was certainly not that.
I think a lot of why I behaved the way I did and let myself be subjected to this treatment has to do with internalized beliefs, conditioning and maybe temperament. Indian women are considered submissive. I never saw myself as one. But I did hold, to my own surprise upon self reflection, beliefs that in love one must submit to the other person. That to love means to embrace and to accept all. So I tried and tried, and beat myself up each time I reacted badly to his emotional bullying. I internalized his constant criticism that it was all my fault and I was the problem.
These beliefs about love manifested to chain me to the wrong man undeserving of my love or my attention. It is true that love means acceptance. But it is also true that one must hold oneself and each other to a higher standard.
I’ve been on anti anxiety meds since Jan of this year, while working thru custody arrangements and the draining convos around divorce, and the guilt of raising my son in the exact environment I promised myself I would not create for him. After 8 weeks of horrific side effects, I am used to them by now. They bring with them a deep fatigue and dampen my energy in a way that feels alien to my very persona - I’ve always been high energy, vibrant and positive - since childhood... but they did help with anxiety, they help me think practically and calmly and for the long term.
Most of all, they helped me see clearly. And I saw how I caused the very situation I am in. I loved a man and it was a deep and pure and true love from my end. But he was not ready. He was caught up in the heady rush of that first attraction, the chemistry of those first days, and the attention and desire of a strong, desirable, attraction quality woman. All men want conquest and all women want commitment. It is programmed in our evolutionary code. As is Limerence. B said the things he said, probably out of self denial and out of being not in touch with his emotional self, and going head long into something without really thinking about the implications.
Is it sin? Yes, to break a marriage. Yes, to rob a child of a loving and present father. Yes, to toy with a woman’s emotions.
But that is his cross to bear and his own journey of self reflection.
Do I blame him? Not anymore. I was angry, I am disappointed and hurt. But maybe 1% with him for being a jerk and 99% with myself for letting him be a jerk to me. I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away from truly abhorrent behavior. I didn’t behave like a woman of high value. If I did, I would have only opened my heart to a high quality man. Or when I realized I was led on, I would’ve withdrawn my emotion to a more worthy and serious suitor looking for a quality relationship.
Instead I had opened my heart to a man who didn’t know what he wanted. Who, when after asking for me to leave my husband, and I broke my family for him, suddenly found all kinds of character flaws in me that he didn’t find before.
A man who, two years to the day after we kissed, after all that happened, said: I can’t date you because you’re old and I don’t want to settle till I’m 40, and you’d be too old to have kids my then. Did he just realize the age difference after two years of togetherness, six months of dating, and in that, hours of reassuring words about his readiness for a relationship?
These are not the words of a high quality man who is ready for a relationship. A man like that would have known himself and what he wanted out of life and pursued a worthy woman (of whatever age he desired) to live beside him and enrich his life and hold herself and him to a high standards. A quality man who have been ready to share his life with someone who brings positivity and joy, and when he notices that things are strained, he takes equal responsibility for nurturing the relationship and behaves in a way that ensures his actions influence the other person positively and brings about the outcome he desires. A quality man seeks out a similar quality woman. Perhaps a quality man does not get entangled with an unavailable or married woman - and even if he does, does not gloat about it to his brother as ‘hooking up with a married woman’. When I heard that comment and raised it with him, that no man serious about a woman he was seeing would speak of her in such terms, he grew dark and angry at the accusation, and I dismissed the red flag to avoid a fight.
He was not exhibiting quality behaviors for a long time. And I ignored the signs, and had not behaved like a quality woman after we broke up. Post breakup, I let myself descend to his level.
If there is one regret in all of this, it is that I should have cut him out of my life sooner. We become like the people we spend the most time with, and he brought out my worst and he behaved in very low-status low-quality ways in the months since the breakup. High quality men do not disrespect - if something doesn’t work in their lives they fix it if it mattered enough to them that they would want to keep it in their lives, or they walk away from it if it didn’t matter enough to him. He did neither. And I was foolish for doing all of it one-sidedly and thinking that my efforts would be enough for both of us.
I do still believe he is innately a good person, but I also believe that people will make the room in their life for a special someone only when they are ready - and not before. And for even the best women in the world, if you were to meet a great guy who’s just not ready yet, to submit yourself to him is to throw pearls before a swine.
In the past few days I have been feeling happier and lighter. I have had so many precious moments with my son who is now three. I cherish these moments, watching him grow into a delightful person. He is his own little man - kind, warm, loving, curious.
I have accepted and forgiven myself for cheating on my husband. He is a kind, loving and a decent man.
I’ve rekindled old friendships and forged new ones. I’ve discovered new passions. I’ve been coming into work with the fire and the passion and the positivity and the high energy that used to fuel me my whole life. I surround myself with people who are kind, loving and inspire and hold me to a high standard. When I am around them, I remember myself - what I am worth, what I have achieved, what I can achieve, and how truly exceptional I am.
Exceptional people do have exceptional flaws - but no one ever became a great leader or person by focusing on their flaws; they hone their talents into a brilliance that stands out among the sea of average-joes. They surround themselves with even more exceptional people who inspire and elevated their game. Exceptional people work constantly on themselves; they reflect, confront, embrace and accept their missteps - and learn from them.
Perhaps this whole three years, the worst years of my life, is just water under the bridge. Perhaps now it is time to release it all, embrace my story, accept my part in it, learn from it and truly move on.
Goodbye B. I wish you well. May your star shine bright always.